Trust Without Trusting

I'm literally on pins and needles about securing housing in a new state while my best friend helps me by being my eyes, ears, and proxy in this process. Knowing I am this nervous, she knows how to remind me how not to revert to old thought patterns. This time she used a great example from the "impossibly possible" road trip we took when we first met. Two newbies on a self-discovery journey, a road trip, meeting for the first time ever in person. Who could imagine such an adventure? We did and took it.


Several times, unintended, of course, an exit was missed when we needed to stop for gas. Desperately low on gas, there were no places within sight to fill up the tank. On Star confirmed, we had another 50 miles of nothing before we reached a gas station, which meant driving off our route to get to it. We drive mile after mile of nail-biting highway, surrounded by beautiful scenery that I was too stressed to pay attention to. My co-passenger (now my best friend) was occupying herself with the scenery. "Look! How cool! I love Native American art! We should find a place to stop and look." while pointing out all the beautiful mountains. Not only was she enjoying herself, but she was trying to help alleviate my mounting tension, evidenced by the death grip on the steering wheel with colorful words flowing freely from my mouth.

We find the exit for gas and... I missed it. Three times total, three u-turns, and more colorful words than anyone ought to hear but finally made it. The entire trip she gently would remind me of the same lesson anytime I would stress (remember, early in my self-discovery and healing journey). "What will be will be in the time it's meant to be."

Today, she reminded me again of this story after I had a phone call with the prospective apartment manager. Recognizing after the call, I had not quite allowed old thought patterns to interrupt during the interview for an apartment I am interested in. I realized during the call, I was almost over-explaining myself in the effort to prove to this person (who doesn't know me at all) that I am the right person for this apartment.

Maybe I'm not? Maybe there's something else that's supposed to be mine. Before the call ended, I picked up on his hesitation to move forward with a background check, so I shared this with him. "Follow your intuition. If you feel at all uncomfortable about this, then please, it's not meant to be. Go with what your instincts tell you. If we begin any relationship with doubt, it will never be comfortable nor a good working one." The young man agreed, noting his reluctance, ending the call on a favorable agreement to speak again in a week.

At this moment, I know what will be will be. I can trust without trusting, believing without believing, and accept without accepting. At the exact moment I need it, the right home will be there for me in Texas, u-turns, and all.

Growing with Love,

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Piece of My Heart

Image
  I left a piece of my heart today, and though it hurt a little, I know I will be fine. The noise of the packing and moving died down, the guests leaving me to myself in the house, I made a long and slow walk around what was my home. The emotions of those few minutes alone brought a few tears mixed with smiles; permission to grieve followed by a smile as I walked through our house, tracing my fingers over the engraved marks of my grandson's growth on his door frame. I could hear the voices of early morning conversations and lunchtime chats between my husband and me while music streamed through the house. Then I caught the final glimpse of my favorite tree in the sunlight and cool fall breeze. In the last two days of preparing and packing, there were many conversations between a close friend and me. A few of those chats reminded me I know this is the way and right thing for me to do. In the past, somebody might have suspected my leaving was "running" from problems, but thi...
Read more

Hearing Brings Healing

Image
  What do you appreciate about yourself? For me, it's appreciating good feelings of the small successful moments in a day. The tools gathered in the past few months to walk through the process of disconfirmation (thank you @themylesscott ) of old messages was the best gift I have ever given myself. The trigger which presented me with startling effects last night is no longer present. Trusting the process that the feeling was temporary, I allowed myself to FEEL while sitting with it. Had I not allowed myself to process the trigger, the incident earlier today may not have resolved so quickly. An ability to hear and position myself to a level of understanding the mixed up emotions of a child because of my inner child work prevented old stories from repeating and new ones took their place. As parents, we only want to do the best we can for our children, and we are our own worst critics about our parenting skills. We become irritated, overtired, guilting ourselves when we aren't mea...
Read more

No Wrong Choices

Image
What are some of the choices that got me to where I am today?⁣ ⁣ One is to choose to share my life story, not just a story – my entire abuse filled life – with you. Before then, the choices made were grey, and well before that, they were highly questionable to my current living standards. ⁣ ⁣ Ask me what my worst choice was? None. They were all decided based on the information and tools available  to me at the exact moment. ⁣ ⁣ What this means for me is there are no regrets but for one. That regret is I didn't know Love sooner. I know it now, and that's all that's needed.⁣ ⁣ Best choice: Choosing to love me and allowing others into my life to share that Love. Loving people for who they are, not what they are or can do for me. ⁣ ⁣ They were choosing to believe people when they showed me my worth – then applying those truthful words—deciding to do the work, day in and day out, meeting myself in the process. ⁣ ⁣ I choose to trust myself repeatedly, that the choices made will a...
Read more