Messy Brings Peace

If you choose to take the path to living as your higher self, sometimes you may feel you are only moving in circles, or that it's too messy. You might even wonder why you feel worse than if you had left well enough alone. It's not worse. It's only temporary. On the other side of that temporary mess is a beautiful peace.

My belief that life was too unbearable, asking how much more will life throw at me, resulted in a suicide attempt. That's overboard messy. Because no one showed how to live a better experience, no one explained or offered how to heal the core wounds, each day I would wake up with dread and walk around in what felt like an electric fog.

The abuse didn't cause me to live depressed, ashamed of my body, experience years of anxiety, or sexual self-harm. I created that as my response to others' actions, making it to be their efforts were meaning something about me. Later as a direct result of my self-imposed beliefs, I became the walking DSM and new case study for therapists and psychiatrists, not knowing how to look within my shadow self, inner child, or offer myself, love.

No one chooses intentionally to be depressed, anxious, or have the entire DSM as a description of "who are you," especially after trauma, but in every way, it was my choice each time. I resisted the deep inner work out of fear it would hurt all over again.

Today I am grateful for the choice. I can choose to accept or reject any of the inner work. I can stay on my path or leave it. Moving through pain to reach my higher self may seem counterproductive, but the pain is only temporary. What's on the other side of messy? Beautiful surrender to peace.

Growing with Love,
💚S


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Piece of My Heart

Image
  I left a piece of my heart today, and though it hurt a little, I know I will be fine. The noise of the packing and moving died down, the guests leaving me to myself in the house, I made a long and slow walk around what was my home. The emotions of those few minutes alone brought a few tears mixed with smiles; permission to grieve followed by a smile as I walked through our house, tracing my fingers over the engraved marks of my grandson's growth on his door frame. I could hear the voices of early morning conversations and lunchtime chats between my husband and me while music streamed through the house. Then I caught the final glimpse of my favorite tree in the sunlight and cool fall breeze. In the last two days of preparing and packing, there were many conversations between a close friend and me. A few of those chats reminded me I know this is the way and right thing for me to do. In the past, somebody might have suspected my leaving was "running" from problems, but thi...
Read more

Hearing Brings Healing

Image
  What do you appreciate about yourself? For me, it's appreciating good feelings of the small successful moments in a day. The tools gathered in the past few months to walk through the process of disconfirmation (thank you @themylesscott ) of old messages was the best gift I have ever given myself. The trigger which presented me with startling effects last night is no longer present. Trusting the process that the feeling was temporary, I allowed myself to FEEL while sitting with it. Had I not allowed myself to process the trigger, the incident earlier today may not have resolved so quickly. An ability to hear and position myself to a level of understanding the mixed up emotions of a child because of my inner child work prevented old stories from repeating and new ones took their place. As parents, we only want to do the best we can for our children, and we are our own worst critics about our parenting skills. We become irritated, overtired, guilting ourselves when we aren't mea...
Read more

No Wrong Choices

Image
What are some of the choices that got me to where I am today?⁣ ⁣ One is to choose to share my life story, not just a story – my entire abuse filled life – with you. Before then, the choices made were grey, and well before that, they were highly questionable to my current living standards. ⁣ ⁣ Ask me what my worst choice was? None. They were all decided based on the information and tools available  to me at the exact moment. ⁣ ⁣ What this means for me is there are no regrets but for one. That regret is I didn't know Love sooner. I know it now, and that's all that's needed.⁣ ⁣ Best choice: Choosing to love me and allowing others into my life to share that Love. Loving people for who they are, not what they are or can do for me. ⁣ ⁣ They were choosing to believe people when they showed me my worth – then applying those truthful words—deciding to do the work, day in and day out, meeting myself in the process. ⁣ ⁣ I choose to trust myself repeatedly, that the choices made will a...
Read more